My journey back to Tennessee, part 1

Journey indeed - for real.



Hmm... where to begin? I'll take it from the top. Stick with me, it's going to be a long one.



The pain and trauma of losing Brad should be all I've had to deal with the past 2 and a half months. Key word - "should"...but that's not how it works. I was forced to flee my home, my job, my neighbors and friends, my LIFE. All I had was a suitcase with a random assortment of clothes and my dog. At first it didn't really matter - I was in shock, to say the least. After a couple of months it started to sink in...not only did I miss Brad, I missed my life.

When I left TN to make the 15 hour drive to Dallas for Brad's funeral, I had some strong feelings about our house. That's where Brad's life ended. That's where I saw what I saw. Heard what I heard. Our house scared me... no... it terrified me. It felt evil. At that time, I didn't want anything to do with the house. I didn't want to be there or see it again.

Mom and I debated having friends pack up boxes of my clothes and have them shipped. We discussed plans to take care of everything without me having to step foot in that state.


But...it just didn't feel right.


As the days went by, I kept feeling a need to go back to our house. Not to pack. Not to work. Just be there. By the way, therapy helps. It has helped me work through those deep fears and realize that I didn't have to be afraid of the dark, our house, our stuff. I may never have closure on Brad's death, but I thought that just mabye I could grasp some closure to my old life.


So...here's a great way to test out how great your friends are:

It went something like this, "Hey Lana, what are you doing next week? Want to drive me to Tennessee?"

AND, this incredible friend of mine dropped everything to drive me halfway across the country and support me during the hardest time in my life. Wow. Amazing.


Here we go! I left New Mexico and headed east. Before I drove off, I turned around to see my sidekick Taylor and fuzzy shadow Dallas giving me the look. I usually take Dallas with me everywhere, but he had finally started to act normal and the last thing he needed was more stress. And honestly, I knew he would go looking for Brad if I took him back to TN. He is a smart dog with a sharp memory. No sense in breaking both of our hearts even more.

No turning back, I was going to do it, face my fears...I was going home....

to be continued...

A New Year, A New Look

It had to be done....

My "Tennessee Adventure" is no more (check out the cool Tennessee picture at the very bottom of the page, courtesy of my talented brother Justin Lingo). I really debated whether or not I should keep blogging. After all, I started this whole attempt to be a fancy blogger in order for Brad and I to stay in touch with friends and family when we moved to Tennessee.

So I thought....

and I realized some of my habits just can't be changed. This habit I'm referring to is my inability to communicate verbally :) My mom and closest friends are all nodding their heads in agreement. I'm not a fan of the phone, not so hot with text messages, and heck, I too easily just stay to myself.

Therefore...

the late night blogging shall continue. I now know how many people care about me and want to be involved in my life. In fact, it's very overwhelming... in a good way. After Brad passed away I learned that I can appear to be very strong on the outside, but give me a pen and paper and I can show my true self - vulnerable/ hopeful/ broken/ angry/ thankful/ fragile/ scared/ blessed

and blogging helps...

I have no clue what my new life will look like. Living alone....ugh. I've never had to do that before. Actually, a sweet blondie bear with big brown eyes just looked up at me to remind me that I'm not really alone :) I think it will be important for me to keep this up - let everyone know how I'm doing - that I'm still hanging on to hope.

My 2010 Christmas Card

"I am not alone at all, I thought.
I was never alone at all.
And that, of course, is the message of Christmas.
We are never alone.
Not when the night is darkest,
the wind coldest,
the world seemingly most indifferent.
For this is still the time God chooses."

~Taylor Caldwell

And So The Journey Begins

Hmm...I can't believe this. The worst, most tragic night of my life happened one month ago. In some ways it seems like each and every minute of the day lasts an eternity. Yet it also feels like the wound is so fresh that it just happened hours ago. Ha, as I'm typing these words I have the sudden urge to throw this computer...this is so unreal. I'm trying to grasp that this is going to be my new normal - my new journey.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted,
and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed."

Psalm 34:18

I take so much comfort in this truth. I wish I could fully describe this feeling of calm that will wash over me when I get upset, anxious, or angry. I've been a believer since I was a little girl, and believe me, I've seen my fair share of difficulties, but never have I seen the hand of God as I have in this past month. It's amazing. It's incredible. It's true. It's constant. I have learned to trust and depend on the Lord in a whole new way. It's amazing what rock-bottom will teach you. He has met me in my darkest hour and given me the peace to know that even though He never promised me an easy journey, I know my destination will be worth it.

______________________________________

Many people have asked me, "How is Dallas doing?" Well, the little love sponge is starting to act like himself again. He has enjoyed being around lots of friends and family.

It may come as no surprise, but Brad was the disciplinarian. He had lots of rules for Dallas, which is most certainly why Big D is such a well behaved pup. And it's probably no surprise to know that Dallas doesn't mind me for squat. I always said I was the fun parent, aka the push-over ;)

I have felt so bad for Dallas, that I've slipped up on one of the major rules. Dallas was NOT allowed to have table food/people food/call it what you want.

Ummm.....

Let's just say Dallas had a VERY HAPPY Thanksgiving :)

Dallas loves his Uncle Justin and Auntie Kristen and Auntie Taylor. Sweet lil' Tay has given up the comforts of her own bed to sleep with Dallas and I everynight. He gets a massage from Tay until he falls asleep.

And then of course there is the extended make-out sessions he has with Kristo. Her poor little face was raw from all the full faced tongue baths she received.

Dallas is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. We've got one heck of a journey ahead, but together, my fuzzy sidekick and I, we are going to make it.

At Rest in the Arms of Jesus

Bradley C. Hatton
July 29, 1981 - November 7, 2010

I'm not sure I can put this into my own words yet. I can't think, I can't comprehend. My best friend, my sweet and handsome husband went to be with Jesus suddenly on Sunday night, November 7th. I am absolutely heart broken, but I have hope. I have been shaken to my core...the depth of this hurt and trauma I can't even describe. The only way I am able to put one foot in front of the other right now is from the amazing out pouring of prayers and support our family has received. My God is carrying me.

Two days after Brad passed away, I randomly opened my Bible to this verse I had highlighted a long time ago:

"I will never leave you nor forsake you. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
-Joshua 1:5&9

"You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times.
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you.
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry,
Is how long must I wait to be with you?

I close my eyes and I see your face.
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow.
I've never been more homesick than now.

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways.
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know.
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

In Christ, there are no goodbyes.
And in Christ, there is no end.
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face.
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow?

I've never been more homesick than now."

-Mercy Me