Late night confessional

I want to sleep, but I can't. I close my eyes and I feel my heart pounding through my chest. My mind races. How long will I have to relive this horror night after night? I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. God please protect me.

Time heals all wounds...so they say. Why isn't this true for me? Maybe all the hype has settled and I'm supposed to be normal. So I play the part. Friends and family have all gone about their own business by now. And why shouldn't they?...life goes on - oh I wish I were that lucky. I just keep missing him more and more. The hurt grows. The loneliness lasts.

I've got no fluff or nice things to say. Perhaps I'm ticked because I'm tired and frustrated. I don't like having a bad attitude...it's not in my nature. I'm annoyed with myself. This isn't the life I expected or wanted...and there was no prep for a world this hard.

I'm sick and tired of the devil trying to steal my joy...my love for life. With all the energy I have left, I'm clinging to the truth that God will never let me be pushed past my limit. He will always be there to help me come through this. He will never leave me nor forsake me. That is the small ray of hope I see through these dark clouds.

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Most of you know that Dallas has also had a difficult time lately. A few weeks ago he had a seizure. Poor baby, and poor mama... me freaking out is an understatement. I NEED this dog. No really... I NEED him. Luckily I was right there with him, and my mom-in-law was at my house within ten minutes to help me get him to the emergency vet. Long story short, the seizures are most likely stress related and Dallas is on some meds to help take the edge off. I think things are looking up. It's like the devil just wants to knock me down every time I try to stand up. I really want to kick his a$$.

I don't like handouts. I don't like to ask for help. I don't like to say much of anything about my internal struggles.
But I'm asking for you to please pray for Dallas and I. We need all the prayers we can get. Losing Brad, the scary nights, the new life, new home...it's overwhelming us. Pray for protection of our fragile minds and hearts. For the strength to make it.

- Thank you.