A sincere THANK YOU

Thank you...so very much. I had no idea my late night rant would generate such an outpouring of support. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.




Dallas and I have been enjoying this nice warm weather the past couple of days. I'm so thankful for the sunshine. To celebrate this new season, it was only fitting for Dallas and I to do our usual redneck routine - baby pool in the front yard. One slight problem. Dallas's pool was somewhere buried in the floor to ceiling stacked boxes in the garage. So you know, of course I didn't do the logical thing...which would have been spending $10 on a new one. Instead I spent way too long and risked my life spelunking through the garage, carefully distributing my weight across the tops of the boxes.


All worth it. His reaction made my day :)

One last thing before I go. Music is a great form of therapy for me. I have it on all the time and it usually helps me sleep. I've been listening to this song over and over. I wanted to share it on the blog so I checked out the video on youtube. Even though this lady has quite a few years on me, this really hit home.

Late night confessional

I want to sleep, but I can't. I close my eyes and I feel my heart pounding through my chest. My mind races. How long will I have to relive this horror night after night? I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. God please protect me.

Time heals all wounds...so they say. Why isn't this true for me? Maybe all the hype has settled and I'm supposed to be normal. So I play the part. Friends and family have all gone about their own business by now. And why shouldn't they?...life goes on - oh I wish I were that lucky. I just keep missing him more and more. The hurt grows. The loneliness lasts.

I've got no fluff or nice things to say. Perhaps I'm ticked because I'm tired and frustrated. I don't like having a bad attitude...it's not in my nature. I'm annoyed with myself. This isn't the life I expected or wanted...and there was no prep for a world this hard.

I'm sick and tired of the devil trying to steal my joy...my love for life. With all the energy I have left, I'm clinging to the truth that God will never let me be pushed past my limit. He will always be there to help me come through this. He will never leave me nor forsake me. That is the small ray of hope I see through these dark clouds.

________________________________

Most of you know that Dallas has also had a difficult time lately. A few weeks ago he had a seizure. Poor baby, and poor mama... me freaking out is an understatement. I NEED this dog. No really... I NEED him. Luckily I was right there with him, and my mom-in-law was at my house within ten minutes to help me get him to the emergency vet. Long story short, the seizures are most likely stress related and Dallas is on some meds to help take the edge off. I think things are looking up. It's like the devil just wants to knock me down every time I try to stand up. I really want to kick his a$$.

I don't like handouts. I don't like to ask for help. I don't like to say much of anything about my internal struggles.
But I'm asking for you to please pray for Dallas and I. We need all the prayers we can get. Losing Brad, the scary nights, the new life, new home...it's overwhelming us. Pray for protection of our fragile minds and hearts. For the strength to make it.

- Thank you.

Reflection

I feel the need to share something very personal. I know, I get this whole blog thing is pretty personal, but for the most part, I keep it high level. Lately it seems as if I'll take one step forward and 10 steps back with my progress. That's probably not the case...it just feels like it some days. Being alone has forced me to deal with some of these deep grieving emotions that I wanted to run from. The first few months after Brad died were such a shock, I was just numb - cold and numb. There is a new wave of hurt that I'm dealing with. Fantastic.

Oh, yes. So the point I was wanting to make about sharing something very personal. A few days ago I was so frustrated. Fear was overwhelming me - Was I going to be this broken forever? I got up the nerve for the first time to go back and look at the first journal entry I wrote after Brad died.

This journal was given to me by a dear family friend that came to Tennessee with my parents the day after Brad died. She encouraged me to start a journal, and I'm so thankful she did.


This is what I wrote:

11-11-10

In your arms I find mercy...
I find rest

Dear Lord,

I don't pretend to understand, but I'm trusting you. I need you. Please Please Please protect me from the enemy - and the horrible thoughts that try to enter my mind. Please give me peace in this storm, please give me rest. I know you hold my heart in the palm of your hand. It has been shattered - a million pieces. And I think Brad took most of those pieces with him. I'm so broken Lord. I've come undone. Carry me.

Ever faithful,
A.


My heart is racing. It's so hard to go back and think of that time. It hurts. But here's the thing, I wanted to share that piece of me because I am stronger than that broken girl who wrote in her journal on 11-11-10. And God heard me....he listens....he comforts. This is so real. If I didn't have my God to carry me, I'm not sure I would make it. Here's some good news: He is available for EVERYONE. Even screw ups like me! Let Him be a part of your life - even better, let him be your life. You're gonna need Him.

______________________________________



Dallas update: I just turned around from my desk and this is what I saw. He is worn out from the dog park today. Also, he is nice and dirty and desperately in need of a bath. The fuzzy ninja knew I was distracted and made his move for the clean bed.

So this is my new normal

It has been Valentine's Day for 45 minutes as I type this......gross.

I can't sleep...again - I suppose that's part of this new normal thing. So why not catch up on some blogging.

You'll never believe this. Heck, I can't believe it. This old gal who was afraid to be in a room by herself for 2 months has been living on her own for 2 weeks...or has it been 3? Ugh, I don't have any concept of time these days. Well, let me rewind and explain how I got here.

If you need living proof that God is real, please come talk to me; however, don't call me, because I rarely check my phone...fyi - that thing overwhelms the h-e-double L out of me (I had to throw that in there for my friends and family that want to strangle me).

Enough about my flaws. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remind myself of Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." This grief business is tricky. It's different for everyone and you never know what to expect, so please spare me the advice on how I should be doing things. I've heard at least a hundred different takes on my situation. One of the biggest things I'm experiencing is I am so easily overwhelmed...it's exhausting. I need a secretary to keep up with my voicemails and text messages. There is so much that needs to be done, yet I consider it a victory if I can get out of bed each morning.

I worried constantly about how I was going to move everything from Tennessee to Texas.

Where I was going to live???

How was I going to afford it???

How could I handle living alone???
Why was I having to face these problems???

What job should I take???

...and the list goes on.

And you know what?


God provides.


Through the help of the most amazing family and friends, things have worked out better than my worn out mind could have planned. These angels of mine helped orchestrate moving everything from TN to TX, finding the most perfect place for Dallas and I to live, and making sure the last thing I have to worry about are my finances. These people know who they are, hearts of gold, and I am forever grateful.

So just like that, Dallas and I loaded up in the "family truckster" (can anyone name the movie? Todd, I know you can!). Dallas and I had left our Tennessee home in the country to live with my parents for a few months in New Mexico, and now we were leaving for Texas to start our new normal.

Don't worry, I always leave enough room for Dallas. He knows the drill.

And wouldn't you know it. Dallas and I moved into our new home...and a snow/ice storm kept us locked inside for days. We made the best of it, even without tv...internet... oh and electricity for that one day. Thank goodness Brad's dad was brave enough to come rescue us. Waking up to a 55 degrees inside the house is not my idea of fun.

And there you have it. I'm another step closer to getting back to the real world. How am I doing? Umm, well... I'm okay. I'm making it. This living alone thing, well quite frankly, it sucks. I always thought I loved being lazy at home. And I did... I just loved it when Brad was there with me. It's absolutely gut wrenching to have to go through our things that we once shared. I finally have some familiar surroundings, but that is also an even bigger reminder of what I've lost. The good in this is that Jesus and I have been having some lengthy conversations. When you find out God is all you have, you truly learn that He is all you need.


My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

"I'm Letting Go" by "Francesca Battistelli

Sweet Home Alabama

So as I was saying about all of those amazing friends I have...not to brag or anything...but yeah, I am...

My best friends from way back in the Baylor days, Steph and Todd, they know me well - so well, they gave me a plane ticket for a Birmingham getaway to visit them. I have a bad track record of being a homebody and often need some encouragement to get out of my cave.

Artists in the making

Meet my nephew Thunder

I'm going to patent the "Stephanie and Todd therapy method". It's good for the soul. It consists of some great late night food / staying up until 4 a.m. lost in deep conversation / a walk through the woods / annnnd....riding around in a super sexy red convertible - top down - cold January air blowing through your hair - oh yeah - perfecto!

more please :)