Reflection

I feel the need to share something very personal. I know, I get this whole blog thing is pretty personal, but for the most part, I keep it high level. Lately it seems as if I'll take one step forward and 10 steps back with my progress. That's probably not the case...it just feels like it some days. Being alone has forced me to deal with some of these deep grieving emotions that I wanted to run from. The first few months after Brad died were such a shock, I was just numb - cold and numb. There is a new wave of hurt that I'm dealing with. Fantastic.

Oh, yes. So the point I was wanting to make about sharing something very personal. A few days ago I was so frustrated. Fear was overwhelming me - Was I going to be this broken forever? I got up the nerve for the first time to go back and look at the first journal entry I wrote after Brad died.

This journal was given to me by a dear family friend that came to Tennessee with my parents the day after Brad died. She encouraged me to start a journal, and I'm so thankful she did.


This is what I wrote:

11-11-10

In your arms I find mercy...
I find rest

Dear Lord,

I don't pretend to understand, but I'm trusting you. I need you. Please Please Please protect me from the enemy - and the horrible thoughts that try to enter my mind. Please give me peace in this storm, please give me rest. I know you hold my heart in the palm of your hand. It has been shattered - a million pieces. And I think Brad took most of those pieces with him. I'm so broken Lord. I've come undone. Carry me.

Ever faithful,
A.


My heart is racing. It's so hard to go back and think of that time. It hurts. But here's the thing, I wanted to share that piece of me because I am stronger than that broken girl who wrote in her journal on 11-11-10. And God heard me....he listens....he comforts. This is so real. If I didn't have my God to carry me, I'm not sure I would make it. Here's some good news: He is available for EVERYONE. Even screw ups like me! Let Him be a part of your life - even better, let him be your life. You're gonna need Him.

______________________________________



Dallas update: I just turned around from my desk and this is what I saw. He is worn out from the dog park today. Also, he is nice and dirty and desperately in need of a bath. The fuzzy ninja knew I was distracted and made his move for the clean bed.